It’s so interesting to me where people come from, and what shapes them. Obviously, it’s our DNA, genes, life experience, childhood, nature, nurture, and all that. No matter who you are, there is something fascinating and/or tragic that has happened in your life. These fascinating and tragic experiences are what ultimately can break us or define us. It’s up to us how we want to handle them and teach ourselves how to be our best self.

In my work as a divorce coach, I use a variety of powerful exercises to help my clients get clear and connected to who they are, and what’s important to them. We call this work getting in touch with who they are at their best, and there are a number of ways to go about it. One of my favorites is this “Best Self” exercise that I learned from my certification with the CDC Certified Divorce Coaching program.

I encourage you to take some time and get in touch with who you are at your best. You can use this as a touchstone, or guide, whenever you are faced with a challenge. To demonstrate how to do the exercise, I’ve included my own answers (questions are in bold, my answers in italics — if you want to skip them or come back to them after you’ve filled in your own):

Think about 4 or 5 people who have had a positive influence on you. Write down each name and identify 2 to 3 attributes that you admire in them.

My father: He is one of the smartest people I know, he literally seems to always have an answer, and not in a braggart-kind of way, but rather in a way that implies he has spent a lot of time thinking and reflecting. He is also one of the most honest people I have ever met, and he raised me to be just as honest…as if there is no other way to be. My father is also humble, though he has had many achievements in life.

My mother: She has the ability to see the most beautiful parts of each and every person. She has a love and a delight of life, almost as if she is seeing it for the first time each day. My mother has a pure and gorgeous soul, untainted by what goes on around her. She is radiant.

My sister, Kate: Who is a healer through and through. She is practical, and diligent, and no-nonsense. And her love and kindness knows no bounds.

My husband, Jason: Who lives with an open heart, and helped me to believe in love at first sight, and to trust again after a very rough divorce and betrayal. He is patient and thoughtful, and one of the best fathers I know.

My daughter: Like my mother, my daughter can see the best parts in people. She is kind and loving, and so helpful. She is a “yes” person. Wanting to see what is around the corner, learn new things, try new foods, go on every adventure. And she loves family. It is SO important to her. It is beautiful to see a teenager who is still so dedicated to her family.

My son: Oliver has the most amazing mind. He is casual about his intelligence, it suits him. As a young boy, he would regale me with facts and details about his interests, such as our scientists’ current search for super inhabitable planets, and how old our sun is, and the habitable zone that is located around it, and the number of years we have until earth is unlivable, etc. all in such great detail that I cannot recount it accurately. He has bright red hair, is tiny and has freckles, yet is still wildly popular at school. Girls and women all love him. His mind and his personality are infectious. You want to be around him. He has a big heart, but it is much subtler than his sister’s…you want to find it.

*Side note: If you can see the attributes in others, the chances are good that these attributes are also important to you. “If you can spot it, you got it”.

Think about you among your friends or family. When you are being your best self – what attributes are they seeing in you? Write these down.

That I am smart, honest, brave, decisive, adventurous, calm, loving, fearless, an exceptional mother, an accomplished woman, a good wife, a leader, a team player (though competitive), full of ideas, a can-do person, an achiever, able to do whatever I set my mind to.

Think about yourself, and being your best self, what attributes are you displaying when you are fully alive and fully engaged? Write these down. Feel free to borrow attributes from the lists above as well.

I am joyful, buzzing with life, excited, honored, grateful, happy, fulfilled, energized, limitless, open.

When you are not being your best self, what kind of behaviors might you notice as red flags!

Competitive, small-minded, angry, RIGHT

Write down 10 words or short phrases that describe you when you have a feeling of well-being.  It may be in the presence of another person, an activity or a physical place (like in nature, at the top of a mountain, in your hammock, etc). Be aware of the energy you experience from here, and use this energy when you are in a difficult situation:

• I love being with my children/family/friends.
• Being up high or at the ocean is incredible. I did this a lot when I was going through my divorce…I needed perspective.
• There is a hike near my house which is so healing. I love hiking in general…moving meditation.
• My home is an incredible place…1959 glass house…surrounding by a nature preserve, yet still minutes from the city. I sometimes feel that I dreamed it.
• Travel is one of my favorite things to do…get out of my comfort zone…see new things…meet new people.
• I adore dancing!!!
• There is an energy exercise where I ground myself, and then do a recall of all of my energy…that makes me feel all tingly and definitely energized and more in my body.
• I put gold light on my children each night when I tuck them in…to protect them. This is a profound experience for us.
• When I meet with my energy reader Laura, I always leave feeling exhilarated, lighter, cleansed…simply incredible…like two years of therapy in one hour.
• A good game of tennis, especially live ball, thrills me. I need to move my body. And my mind loves the game.

This “best self” exercise is the cornerstone to reinventing yourself. It gets you in touch with who you truly are, and what makes you feel whole, and gives you joy. It also brings awareness to when you are not being your best, and once you are aware, you can usually take responsibility, and do something about it! That’s being able to take control, and that leads to empowerment.

My closing words of advice: stay open to healing and possibility in whatever form.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and questions about reinventing your life path after divorce, and how you are going to figure out your direction and where you want to go…If you want help, please reach out. Reinventing your happily ever after is a huge step in your healing and recovery. And I’d be honored to be a part of the journey.