You’re unhappy in your marriage and, after much soul searching, are coming to the realization that divorce may be your only route to a better, more authentic life. But where do you start, and how do you actually get divorced?

The process of getting divorced includes a number of major steps all rolled into the legal dissolution of your marriage. It involves a change of status (going from married to single), the division of assets and debts, the establishment of cash flows between spouses (spousal and/or child support), and decisions about child custody if you have minor children.  

There are several ways to go about the divorce process, and they fall on a spectrum. From straightforward and affordable all the way towards super involved, complicated, litigious, and astronomically expensive.

Choosing and fostering the right divorce process is often tantamount to the overall success of your divorce. What’s the right path for you?

The Divorce Process — The Ways You Can Divorce

Let’s look in detail at each type of divorce process, and how they can be combined to suit your needs/wants/desires. We’ll also explore the pros and cons of each process, so you’ll be better to assess the possible benefits and risks.

Do It Yourself Divorce — Pro Per/Pro Se

Most experts will say that a “do it yourself divorce” (handling your own negotiations, settlement and document production, as well as filing it with the court) is only for couples who have a very straight forward situation. Meaning little to no money/assets, no minor children, and often a short term marriage.

Otherwise you have too much to lose if you don’t handle it correctly. There are potentially major decisions that you will be making about your financial future, and your minor children’s wellbeing.

Handling every aspect of your own divorce without any outside/professional guidance is quite rare.

Pros of DIY Divorce

Cost

If done correctly, DIY can potentially save you lots of cash. The filing fees may be the only thing you pay (an average filing fee might be a few hundred dollars). Many states provide free or low cost forms, as well as help filling them out.

You may avoid or significantly reduce your legal fees.

Control

No one (no lawyers, no judge) will tell you what to do in your divorce (this could also be a con), so you get a high level of control in your divorce. You’re able to go at your own pace, filing documents when you are ready (within the allowed timelines per the state).

Length of Time

Moving through divorce without the constraints of busy lawyers’ schedules and courtroom delays, can expedite your divorce process. (You will still be bound by your jurisdiction’s mandated waiting periods.)

Cons of DIY Divorce

Time Commitment 

DIY Divorces require a lot of your time. You will need to familiarize yourself with your state’s family laws, the documents required, and the court procedures (document production, filings, and appearance requirements).

Overwhelming

The forms, including in-depth financial disclosures, are complicated and leave plenty of room for error, which can lead to the forms being rejected or having errors that will impact you in serious ways.

Exposure to Bullying

If there is a power disparity between you and your spouse, any sort of bullying or abuse, doing your own divorce will mean one of you will likely have an unfair advantage. Whoever is disadvantaged would likely benefit from having some legal representation as protection.

Risk

There are many areas of risk involved with doing your own divorce. Including settling for an inequitable/unfair deal, overlooking certain legal rights, possible serious tax consequences (pensions, retirement accounts like 401ks have highly technical requirements associated with splitting them up). Or you might miss out on a possible solution that is better for BOTH you and your spouse.

One way to mitigate these risks, while still handling much of the divorce yourself is to have an attorney or mediator review your settlement and forms before you file.

Utilizing Online Divorce Services 

Online Divorce Websites cater to simple, uncontested divorces — where both spouses are in agreement, and want to end their marriage amicably.

There are many online divorce service companies, with more popping up all the time. Some of the major ones to look into are: It’s Over Easy, Hello Divorce, and Wevorce, which was formerly Legalzoom’s (which is famous for making legal assistance available to all) family law division.

The goal of these online service companies is to make the divorce process easier and more readily available. They typically offer a bit more support than other online divorce sites, providing additional perks such as a certain number of hours in mediation. The online process involves filling out a detailed questionnaire that will populate the appropriate legal documents, after which you will be provided with instructions on how to go down to the court and submit your documents.

Let’s be clear, online services are about document production. The only person who can actually grant your divorce is a judge. So you’ll still need to be involved with the filing process at the courthouse.

Using an online website to help with your divorce is a step up from doing it all yourself. In that you will be receiving some guidance along the way. Again, this is likely for folks that do not have a very adversarial or complicated situation. And this is more document production, rather than personal advice on your specific situation.

Pros for Online Services

Cost

Online document production services are typically very inexpensive with basic packages starting as low as $250; sometimes even less for bare bones services.

Ease & Privacy

You can do your divorce paperwork on your own time, from the comfort of your own home.

Cons for Online Services

Generic

You typically get a cookie-cutter, one-size-fits-all type of document package, sometimes the forms are not even your state’s forms!

Lack of Assistance

You may fill out a questionnaire with some general questions about your situation, and then receive the documents to fill out on your own with little to no assistance or guidance. (Pro: Some online services, such as the ones listed above, are starting to add additional services that you can opt in to customize your paperwork further.) The online services also do not file your documentation with the courts. You or your spouse will need to file, or pay for some legal assistance.

Lack of legal advice

Typical online providers do not offer any legal advice, they are more about document production.

Mediation — Mutually Agreed Upon Settlement

A mediator is an impartial and neutral third party who works with both spouses to reach a mutually agreed upon settlement.

Mediation is an entirely voluntary divorce option, which takes place in a conference room rather than a courtroom, and therefore is private, and typically cheaper, faster, and more effective than the more traditional divorce processes. Because the participants feel as if they’d had a hand in creating the agreement, they are therefore more likely to abide by it.

It is possible to have a combination of mediation and legal representation — this is when you and/or your spouse hires an attorney to represent your interests and receive specific legal advice. You could receive the legal advice before, during, and/or after mediation. You could possibly bring your attorney to mediation sessions with your spouse as well. 

Some attorneys are trained in mediation methods, and can work cooperatively towards a settlement. This is a form of cooperative divorce, similar to an informal “collaborative divorce.” (See more about Collaborative Divorce below.)

Pros for Mediation

Reduced Cost

You’re only hiring one expert, rather than each engaging your own attorneys. Typically, a mediator will charge a lower hourly rate, or a package/flat rate, for their services.

More Control

This is a voluntary process, driven by you and your spouse as you work on possible agreements with the help of an expert (hopefully) trained in negotiation and collaboration. You may work on your settlement until you are satisfied. Mediation avoids the win/lose dynamic of litigation. And your solutions are typically more creative and tailored to your individual/family needs.

Expedited Pace

Most mediators have a process they use to move through the settlement negotiations with homework in between sessions. You are not waiting on court dates, and it’s only one expert’s schedule to coordinate with, rather than two busy attorneys. The process from start to finish could happen in a matter of four to six weeks. Mediation can go as slow or as fast as you and your spouse want it to.

More Effective

People feel they’ve had a hand in creating their own agreement. Since they feel heard, they are more likely to follow the guidelines going forward. Statistics show that 85% of mediated agreements are being adhered to one year later, while only 50% of attorney-driven agreements are.

Cons for Mediation

Pointless Exercise 

Mediation might not amount to much if you or your spouse is entrenched in a position and refuses to negotiate.

Pressure to Agree

It’s the mediator’s job to reach an agreement, so sometimes the more reasonable spouse will have to bend more to get the settlement finished. If you know you are a people pleaser be wary of making more (or most!) of the sacrifices.

Bullying

You will most likely be in a room with your ex and a neutral third party. If there is an imbalance of power, you may feel intimidated by your ex, and not fully supported by the mediator, who must remain impartial.

Less Legal Advice

You will not have an advocate working for you specifically. The mediator is a neutral third party, unable to advocate for either of you individually or advise either of you of your specific rights. The mediator is able to share with both of you information from past cases, and how a judge might rule, but this is markedly different from being advised by your own attorney.

One “Shared” Attorney — Similar to Mediation

The ethical principles for lawyers do not allow for an attorney to represent both of you, unless they were working as a mediator (see above).

The thing to remember here is that this single attorney is NOT representing both of you. They are required to be either your or your spouse’s attorney/advocate.

If they act in a mediator capacity, you and your spouse would likely negotiate most of your issues yourselves (“kitchen table mediation”) or with the attorney who’s committed to reaching an agreement outside of the courtroom.

After an agreement is reached, that attorney would draft up the documentation for you, and likely file it with the court.

There are many reasons to be wary of this arrangement. Unless you both hire the attorney as your mediator, the attorney would be representing only one spouse, while the other is unrepresented.

Pros and Cons of Working with One Shared Attorney

If they are acting as a mediator, the pros and cons are similar to mediation. However, if they are acting as attorney of record for one of you, and not the other, preparing all of the documents and filing the paperwork with the court, there is a particular CON for the unrepresented spouse. That person will likely be at a significant disadvantage, and if nothing else, will want to have the documents reviewed by a consulting attorney before filing with the court.

Collaborative Divorce — Working with a Team

Collaborative divorce is when you and your spouse hire a group or “team” of divorce professionals to actively collaborate on creative solutions for your divorce. You both agree to create a settlement without going to court. This is a voluntary and private way to end your marriage. Again happening in conference rooms, rather than courtrooms.

This divorce process is typically more expensive than mediation, as you are hiring a whole host of professionals. Usually the collaborative group consists of two attorneys (one for each spouse), a mental health or child-oriented specialist, a divorce coach, and a CDFA (certified divorce financial analyst) or other financial professional.

The idea is that you have all of the protections of traditional representation (see below), however you’re working as a team through all of the issues in a collaborative fashion.

To be truly protected both you and your spouse will sign a waiver, stating that if there are any contested court proceedings the engagement of the group will terminate. Meaning that if negotiations break down between you and your spouse during the settlement process, and you decide to go to court, that you must fire your whole team of professionals, and start fresh. By signing that waiver, you effectively create a safe place, certain that nothing you say will be used against you should you end up in a court of law.

Collaborative Divorce is usually more expensive than mediation, and less expensive than litigation.

Side Note

Often my clients will effectively create their own version of collaborative divorce, without the waiver, by hiring their own attorneys and/or mediators who are trained in conflict resolution and who work to settle cases, rather than litigate. Then they consult on the side with divorce coaches, parenting planners, CDFAs, etc. Creating their own team of experts as needed to support them through the divorce process.

Pros of Collaborative Divorce

Expertise

You have the experience and guidance of not only legal representation, but also child and financial specialists. Through the wisdom of these professionals, you and your spouse can brainstorm a wide variety of solutions, until you come up with the decisions that work best for you and your family.

Flexibility

You get to be creative in designing your settlement agreement; no judge is telling you what to do.

Privacy

Like mediation, collaborative divorce is voluntary and private. You are negotiating together in the privacy of a conference room, and your agreements form the basis of your legal documents, rather than arguing your case in a courtroom open to the public.

Cost

This is both a pro and a con — Collaborative divorce is typically more than mediation, but less than litigation. According to some figures, the average collaborative divorce can cost between $25k – $50k.

Cons of Collaborative Divorce

Precarious

If you and your spouse hit a major bump in the road, and find yourself unable to move past an important issue, and you’ve all signed a waiver, then you must dissolve your group, and proceed with all new experts/representation. So all of the time and money you’ve spent so far, may all be for naught. This could create a serious delay in your divorce proceedings.

Complicated

You’re working with a team of busy professionals — think about how complicated it might be to sync everyone’s schedule. Also, there are many potential “cooks in the kitchen” with two different attorneys advocating for you and your spouse’s respective opinions, plus all of the other experts and their perspectives.

Cost

It can be more expensive than most people can afford to spend on their divorce.

Two Attorneys — Traditional Representation/Litigation

People typically hire two attorneys if the divorce is going to be contested — as in you and your spouse are not in agreement.

This is the traditional way that divorces have been handled. With each spouse hiring their own attorneys, and letting the lawyers take the lead in negotiating the settlement.

This process is for people who are not amicable — when there has been abuse of any kind, if there’s an imbalance of power, personality disorders, or if one partner does not want to divorce. There are many possible reasons…

Most traditional cases settle before going to trial, sometimes on the steps of the courthouse. Typically though they involve some sort court oversight, in terms of settling a particular issue(s) that the spouses cannot agree on, such as temporary support, custody issues, etc.

Pros of Traditional Representation

Advocacy & Knowledge of the Law

If you have a complicated divorce with many assets, debts, incomes, expenses, minor children, and/or a spouse who is difficult or high conflict, it can be very beneficial to have an experienced expert with the correct training on your side advocating for your position and educating you on your rights under family law.

Protection

If your spouse is a bully, high-conflict, and/or abusive, it is recommended to have a personal advocate to help keep you as safe as possible through the divorce process.

Cons of Traditional Representation

Lack of Control

You’re at the mercy of the courts. The schedule is what pleases the courts, and what works for your attorneys. The process is driven by the attorneys with sometimes little, if any, input from the actual decision makers (you and your spouse).

Length of Time

You are reliant on your attorneys to address the issues in your case when it fits in with their schedules. If you need to appear in court, you will be beholden to the next available court date. Some court systems, like Los Angeles, are incredibly overtaxed. It can take months to get in front of a judge. Covid is also affecting the courts’ schedules, with closed courtrooms, new procedures, and months of delayed or canceled motions that all need to still be heard by the judges. With these types of  extended schedules, the fighting could last for years, causing you prolonged exposure to conflict.

Expense

Attorneys fees can be exorbitant, with the average hourly fee around $250, but can range to over $1,000 per hour. You and your spouse will each be engaging an attorney, so that means you are paying double for any meeting, court appearance, etc.

Adversarial

Litigation happens in the court system, which was designed specifically to right wrongs. On your divorce papers it states your name “versus” your spouse’s name. The system sets it up as a fight from the very outset. And law school teaches attorneys how to argue and win a case. They are trained in the “win-lose” dynamic, not a collaborative “win-win” arrangement. Also, the fee structure is such that attorneys financially benefit the longer your case continues. The fighting is profitable for them.

Conflict/Trauma

Lots of studies show that conflict is what does damage to families in divorce, rather than getting divorced. So the exposure to conflict, fighting, and adversarial processes are what cause the trauma to you, your spouse, and your children. If you can minimize the conflict, you can minimize the trauma.

Public

Your divorce will be a matter of public record, and anyone can enter and sit at the back of the courtroom during your proceedings.

Going to Trial — Taking Your Divorce to Court

This option is on the extreme end of the spectrum. It’s reported that only about 3 to 5% of divorce cases go all the way to trial, where a judge will decide all of the issues in your case.

If you do end up in trial, the judge will hear testimony, review evidence, and subsequently make a ruling.

Pros of Going to Trial

If you are looking for a decision to be made, and you are dealing with a spouse who will not agree to anything, having a judge review and rule on your divorce or areas of your divorce, will help to provide some forward momentum for your situation.

Cons of Going to Trial

Lack of control

There are no guarantees with going to court. You and your spouse are putting your major life decisions into the hands of a judge who is likely overburdened by cases, and has very little time and energy to learn about the ins and outs of your family’s issues. 

Risk

So many unknowns! You may not get a fair verdict/ruling. You or your spouse may not agree with the judgment, and decide to file an appeal, leading to years of further court dates with ever-mounting legal fees. Your divorce could continue indefinitely…

Astronomically Expensive

The cost of going all the way to trial is crazy expensive. The amount of work that goes into preparing for trial requires hours and hours of the attorney’s and other experts’ time. People have gone bankrupt in the process.

Finding Your Way

Before you will be able to choose a process or a professional, you need to take stock of your situation, and figure out what your reality is, and what you’re hoping to achieve (your intentions!).

Get a journal, and write down your current reality, as well as your hopes, dreams, goals. These will help to clarify which process and which professional(s) will best suit you.

If you’d like to explore the divorce process more in depth, and get a handle on what would work best for you, check out the How Do I Divorce? online webinar. This workshop will put you in the driver’s seat — empowering and educating you so that you can architect the right divorce settlement for you, no matter which path you choose.