There is no single route through divorce. There’s no magic road map, perfect prescription, or foolproof method. Even the best experts cannot say “I know the way! Follow my guidance and do these specific steps in this exact order.” 

Every divorce is unique, like a fingerprint. And only you know the true intricacies of your situation. Therefore you are the most qualified expert to chart your own course through a very personal landscape of divorce.

In an ideal world, you would simply choose the best way to move through your divorce. Knowing instinctively what would make the most sense — given who you are, who your spouse is, and what your specific circumstances are.

But in reality how do you start? It can all seem so heavy, dark, scary, impenetrable, and overwhelming. Getting a divorce may feel like struggling to earn a PhD in a subject you never wanted to study — one that’s way beyond anyone’s comprehension!

Through my work with hundreds of clients as a certified divorce coach, I’ve discovered that while each divorce is indeed unique, there are some common themes and some recommended stops to make along the way. What I’m sharing here is simply a point of reference. You, as the navigator, will pick the ultimate route, as well as your preferred stops, and the order in which you choose to make them.

I’ve identified and compiled the themes into the Getting Unmarried™ Road Map. It has eight general stops, including the final destination of happily ever after divorce. In this article we’ll touch on all eight:

1. Deciding if your marriage is truly over
2. Researching divorce in your state
3. Setting intentions
4. Selecting the divorce process and building out your support team
5. Getting prepared for divorce
6. Setting the tone for your divorce
7. Negotiating your settlement
8. Rebuilding your happily ever after

Before we get started on the Getting Unmarried™ Road Map, I want to share that I’m not an attorney, nor am I a financial consultant, and that these steps are general guidelines for the general population. For your individual case, you will need to consult with your own experts. And find out the specific guidelines for your state — as each state differs in their approach to divorce particulars. The Getting Unmarried™ Road Map is simply a place to start.

Is Your Marriage Truly Over?

Are you or your spouse considering the option of divorce? Are you lying awake trying to decide if your marriage is worth saving? Wondering if you have anything left to give? Should you stay or should you go? 

When trying to determine if your marriage is truly over, I suggest you ask yourself these questions:

What are the symptoms that your marriage isn’t working?

How would you like it to be instead?

What relationship patterns do you notice?

Do these patterns contribute negatively to your relationship?

What role do you play?

Have you communicated any of this to your spouse?

If you can recognize destructive relationship patterns you may be able to interrupt them, and create new, healthy patterns. You may need professional help; a therapist, coach, or counselor can offer a neutral and/or different perspective, as well as introduce healthy behaviors and communication methods.

It’s quite painful to be in a marriage that’s not working. No matter which path you end up taking (stay/accept status quo, work on the marriage, or go), I encourage you to choose happiness over unhappiness.

Researching Divorce

Do your research! Learning as much as you can about your situation can help you to make smarter, more informed decisions. Knowledge is power. Read articles online and in print. Buy or borrow divorce books with topics that sound interesting to you. Talk to professionals and to friends about divorce in your state. Learn some basics about divorce and family law. 

Family law simply provides a framework for decisions — leaving it up to you, your spouse, and your divorce team to make the ultimate decisions within that framework. 

Getting an overview of the law early in your process will help you to have a better understanding of your options.

Setting Intentions

Divorce is filled with so many life-changing decisions to be made. Knowing your divorce intentions helps you to recognize which path to take and which decision makes the most sense. If you are clear, you can feel when your actions and choices are in alignment or not. Divorcing with integrity ultimately means acting in line with your values and intentions.

What do your intentions look like? Some possible intentions might include: making your life better, happier, and more complete. Protecting your kids; transitioning to a healthy co-parenting/working relationship with your ex. Taking the high road; or developing peace of mind. 

Some questions to consider:

Who do you want to be through the divorce? 

How do you want people (and/or your children) to see you? 

What do you want your life to look like after the divorce is final?

What are your goals/intentions/dreams?

Are they SMART goals (specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, timely)?

What behavior(s) do you need to change?

What new habit(s) do you want to develop?

What action will you take? By when?

How will you celebrate your achievement(s)?

Writing down the answers to these questions will help you have clarity. Having a written list can act as a touchstone — a reminder of why you’re doing this, and what you hope to accomplish. Your answers will help you monitor your progress as well as celebrate your successes. Place the list somewhere you can see it. Make it beautiful or inspiring, and you’ll be reminded to take action.

By setting powerful and positive intentions, you can use your divorce as a turning point — transforming your life in positive ways. 

Selecting a Divorce Process

A divorce includes changing your legal status (going from married to single), dividing your assets and debts, making child custody decisions (if you have minor children), and establishing cash flows (spousal and/or child support) between you and your spouse. 

In order to achieve all of this you need to select a divorce process. The potential processes fall along a spectrum — from one extreme of doing it all yourself, to the other, a full divorce trial in court where a judge decides every aspect for you.

Divorce Processes

• Do it yourself: Pro Per/Pro Se
• Online document preparation services
• Private mediation
• One shared lawyer/paralegal
• Two Separate Lawyers
• Collaborative divorce
• Litigation

Explore the various options/processes of divorce, as well as interview multiple professionals (see below). Each process has its positives and negatives, and will be better suited to some situations than others. Learn how your state may have specific variations on your divorce options. It’s helpful to do your research. Once you’ve done your homework, and looked at each process in light of your circumstances and intentions, you’ll be better able to determine which way will work best for you.

Building Your Support Team: Who Are Your Experts?

Meeting with experts — such as a certified divorce financial analyst to help you understand your finances, or an attorney to understand your legal rights — is an important step to take. You can start forming your team in advance of asking for a divorce (if you are the one seeking the dissolution), or during the process of divorce, if that makes more sense for your situation.

Determine who will be on your team and what specific role they will play. Possible experts include, but are not limited to: attorney, mediator, certified divorce financial analyst (CDFA), CPA/financial planner, forensic accountant, divorce coach, therapist, vocational evaluator, friends, family, community, and religious connections.

Surround yourself with people who support you on this journey. Experts who have the knowledge and resources you need. And try to find people who lift you up and give you energy (replenishers), rather than leave you feeling beaten down or diminished (depleters).

Getting Prepared: Organize Your Divorce

This is the detail-oriented part, where you will be gathering as much information as possible. Try to get your hands on any and all documents that you think might be relevant to your divorce. It will be helpful to have a large accordion file to keep your paperwork organized in labeled sections.

Do your best to gather and compile all financial documents that might be needed for negotiation and/or for court records. Compile in one place all of your personal information. Begin to identify the types of decisions you’ll need to make for co-parenting and custody arrangements. Start to think about the property in your house that is important to you. Make a video and/or inventory of your household and its contents. Create a list of items that were owned before marriage, as well as a separate list of items that were obtained during marriage.

How well do you know your financial landscape? Get the details of your assets and liabilities, including copies of all financial documents, such as these:

• Mortgages/Real Property/Deeds/Titles
• Retirements Accounts
• Bank/investment accounts
• Insurance policies
• Business ownership/employment contracts
• Credit card statements
• Tax returns

Many of my clients have not been the primary manager of the family finances, and have had to jump headfirst into this unknown territory — having to get educated quickly! Finding the right expert, such as a CDFA, has often made a world of difference. Having that financial expert involved in your negotiations may help to keep the emotions from getting out of control — keeping things rational and civil. Making it more about math rather than feelings.

Setting the Tone of Your Divorce: Making Your Intentions Known

How you tell your spouse about an impending divorce typically sets the tone for the way the divorce will unfold. This means that you will want to put some thought and planning into it if possible. Take care when choosing your words, and selecting your setting. How you communicate your goals and intentions, can influence everything from how your spouse responds, to the process and experts you might select. If it’s an option, it may be helpful to have a neutral third party, such as your therapist, there to help shape and hold the conversation.

Equally important, if not more so, is how you tell your children about the divorce. Choose the time and the place with forethought and perhaps with guidance from the experts. Child psychologists recommend being on the same page with your spouse as much possible with the information you share, and using age-appropriate information. For example, you’ll talk to your four year old very differently than you’d talk to your 14 year old. Communicating with and being a role model for your children is heroic and sensitive work. And as a result, it’s especially helpful to have expert guidance in this area of the divorce.

Negotiating Your Settlement

Negotiating your settlement can be one of the most difficult and painful parts of the divorce process. It helps to get clear about what you want, what you’re entitled to under your state’s family law framework, and also what you’d be willing to settle for. Knowing your bottom line, and what you’re able to compromise on, will be a huge help when it comes to negotiating.

No one wins in divorce. But I believe you can work diligently and intelligently to minimize the damage, and maximize a strong foundation for the future. It helps to think strategically — to know what you want and have an understanding of what your spouse wants. If you can, try and figure out the motivations behind the behaviors. Again, you are the expert in your life; chances are you know your spouse better than anyone else. You know what makes them tick.

It also helps to remember that you are dividing up a finite amount of assets and cash flow. There is no magic “divorce bucket of gold” somewhere. Everyone needs to compromise. Where are you willing to be flexible? What can you live with? It’s okay to have some non-negotiables. Know when to compromise, and when to stand firm.

During the negotiations, emotions can run high, and fear can rear its ugly head. It’s helpful to know in advance where you and your spouse might get triggered, so that you can minimize the possible fallout and conflict. By realizing the things that trigger you and your spouse, you can better manage the reactions and emotions as you engage in the divorce process.

Rebuilding Your Life: Redefining Your Happily Ever After

Divorce is a powerful life transition, which gives you the opportunity to redefine and rebuild your life. You get to focus on yourself, your environment, letting go of the past, as well as creating a new future — one that’s more in line with your values and who you’ve become. 

No area of your life goes untouched in a divorce. During this 8th stage of the Getting Unmarried™ Road Map, you’ll want to reassess your values, life preferences, home, routine, family structure, and relationships. And don’t forget your self care — as you’ll need to be rested and healthy to better handle all of these changes that come your way. 

Some things to work on during this stage include preserving and rebuilding your finances — reviewing and refining your budget to get a clear picture of your financial landscape after the settlement is finalized. Restructuring your family unit — what does your post divorce family look like? What are your new traditions? Building self-awareness — how will you get to a place of forgiveness and gratitude, while letting go of any residual denial, anger, shame, and guilt. Learning to trust yourself as well as others. Exploring what it takes for you to feel authentic, happy, and fulfilled… Where you go from here is entirely up to you!

If you’d like to chart your own course through divorce but need additional information and knowledge, check out the free Getting Unmarried™ Road Map online workshop. In addition to the workshop, you’ll get a PDF of the Road Map to reference as needed on your journey. See you on the road to your authentic, happy, and fulfilled life!