Signs your spouse is over you

We all hope for everlasting love. That’s why we said “I do” in the first place. But often we outlast our relationships, evolving beyond their life expectancy.

Think of your relationship as a garden. You and your partner are the gardeners or caretakers. The life of the garden depends upon what you put into it. It needs attention, water, sunlight, pruning, weeding, replanting, sowing of seeds, tending, nurturing, and enjoyment. Left alone a garden will wither. The elements will ravage it, causing destruction and deterioration. Your relationship is like that. Untended it dissolves.

How do we know the state of our relationships? Like the state of your yard, I believe you can see it. The signs are tell-tale and evident. If you know what to look for, you can recognize if your spouse is over you, and do something about it.

If the tell-tale warning signs that your spouse is over you are there, please know that divorce is not your only option. Just because you let your garden become overgrown and infested with weeds, doesn’t mean you have to move. The same is true of your relationship. With a lot of care, attention, and hours spent, it can be possible to resuscitate your marriage. But it will require both you and your spouse putting in the time and effort.

Knowing What to Look For

It would be so much easier to be in a relationship if we all knew how to communicate with each other. Unless you’re a mind reader, it’s impossible to know how your spouse is feeling without them telling you.

Some people leave a relationship when the going gets difficult because they just don’t know how to handle conflict. And with every serious relationship conflict is inevitable, and even sometimes healthy. Being able to air our differences and have room for each other’s perspectives are incredible gifts to give each other.

Handling conflict lovingly and skillfully is a behavior that can be taught and learned. But most of us have never had the right lessons, choosing instead to learn in the school of hard knocks.

Since we don’t always communicate effectively, our feelings come out in our actions instead. Actions are often much louder than words. So what tell-tale signs should we look for?

Partner Detachment

In a healthy relationship we talk to each other, ask questions about each other’s thoughts, feelings, and events of the day. As expert marriage researcher John Gottman says, in a relationship we make bids for each other’s attention, and the health of that relationship depends on how often we respond to those bids. When you try and share something with your partner, do they turn toward you, and express interest? Or do they blow you off?

The detachment can show up in many different ways. Perhaps you used to fight all the time, you were passionate in your communication and exchanges. Now your partner can’t be bothered to fight. They respond with one word sentences.

Your partner could be distant emotionally and/or physically. Even if you ask, your partner won’t open up and share how they’re feeling. And rather than spending time together, your spouse is making plans with other people, or spending more and more time out of the house. They are physically and emotionally pulling away.

Your partner might show zero interest in making any plans. They are so distant and detached that they are not willing to plan anything together — no holidays, no date nights, no home repairs/remodels. They are not thinking about a future together, they are busy making plans for themselves.

Nobel Laureate, Elie Wiesel said that “the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.” Rather than checking in with you, your partner is checking out.

Everything is a Fight

Sometimes the sign is apathy and indifference, and other times its frustration, annoyance, and even anger. Your spouse’s temper is hot and their fuse is short. They blow up at the slightest provocation. They snap at you for every little thing, and you’re the one they blame. You’re at fault for all of the problems. You feel like you can never do anything right, and you’re walking on eggshells in your own home.

Lack of Intimacy

There are many types of intimacy in a relationship. It could be physical: holding hands, massage, hugs, kisses, and sexual connection. As well as emotional: being vulnerable, sharing feelings, and deep conversations. Marriages thrive on intimacy and connection. When the intimacy changes you need to pay attention. Are you and your spouse more like roommates than lovers? Or worse yet, total strangers? Intimacy is a very strong indicator of how healthy a relationship is… There isn’t a prescribed number of times you should be having sex per week (despite many articles and statistics on the subject), but if your frequency changes, or the type of sex changes (where did my spouse learn those new moves?!), that may be a sign.

Secrets

Another strong sign is when your spouse suddenly becomes secretive about their phone calls, texts, emails, and/or mail. There could be another person involved — they could be having an affair. Or your spouse could be doing research about getting divorced, and reaching out to professionals, such as family law attorneys, or financial advisors, etc.

When you question your spouse, they act evasive, or even tell you lies.

Financial Changes

Be on the lookout for any changes in the financial arena of your marriage. Has your spouse changed the passwords to your accounts without telling you? Have there been any major changes in your assets? Such as your spouse opening an equity line of credit on your house, or a new bank account, or additional credit cards.

Or maybe your spouse was previously not interested in the family finances, and now they are starting to ask questions, or requesting copies of statements and tax returns.

Other Signs

The above are some of the major signs to look out for… There are other ones that may be more subtle. Such as your spouse starts to focus on their appearance, when they never did before. Or takes a sudden interest in the kids. Or there’s a new insistence to move closer to family.

The interest in appearance could mean they’re hoping to attract someone else. The interest in the kids could be so that they look good in the eyes of the court, if there’s a custody battle. The request to move closer to home may be to provide some support during and after the divorce.

Making Sense of the Signs Your Spouse is Over You

These signs are meant to get you noticing and thinking about your relationship. Are there signs that your spouse is unhappy, and longing to move on? Or that your spouse is unhappy and wanting to make changes to make the relationship healthier and stronger?

It will be up to you and your spouse to explore this situation, and determine if there’s a way back to each other, and a healthier, happier life together. Or if you need to part ways, and rebuild a life that is more authentic to each of you.

Some Steps to Move Forward

Talk to your spouse. A healthy relationship is based on strong communication. Share with them what you’re observing and how it’s making you feel. If you need help communicating, reach out to a professional. Either on your own or together.

Try to find a way back to each other. Maybe by learning each other’s love language. For example, if your spouse’s love language is Quality Time, try spending more time together doing activities you both enjoy.

Focus on your own wellbeing. Sometimes healing yourself will go a long way toward healing your relationship.

Seek counseling. Getting outside help might be a helpful way to work through and process your issues as a couple. Either alone or together.

Build your support network: friends, family, a support group, therapist or divorce coach, religious community. You need people around you who are positive and supportive.

Learn about divorce. If you think you may be headed toward divorce you will want to learn something about the process, and the professionals who can support you. Meet with a family law attorney or mediator. Many divorce professionals offer free phone consultations.

If you want to figure out if your spouse is really over you, reach out to me. I’m here to help you begin today!